


To love or have loved

by Gwendolyn (storiesofchaos)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Dai Bendu (Star Wars), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Heartbreak, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, No Padmé hate in this household, Past Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:14:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29185353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesofchaos/pseuds/Gwendolyn
Summary: "I—um . . ." Anakin tries, but he chokes on his words and the tears start falling unbidden, with no stopping them."Oh,Anakin, come here," Obi-Wan says, holding his arms open invitingly. Anakin stares at him with blurry vision before immediately falling into Obi-Wan's arms, burying his head in the comfort of Obi-Wan's strong chest like he used to do when he was younger. Hot tears keep running down his cheeks as he inhales the familiar, soothing scent of his former Master, feeling utterly consumed by his fragile emotions now.(In which Obi-Wan helps Anakin through his rejection by Padmé, and Anakin discovers new feelings for his former Master along the way.)
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 19
Kudos: 191





	To love or have loved

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first non-explicit star wars fic I've ever posted haha, but sometimes you just need to write something different.
> 
> Also, in this fic I'm declaring that Shmi did not die and is instead safe, and Anakin did not Kill Them All.
> 
> PS: I used a phrase from the [Dai Bendu Conlang](http://dai-bendu-conlang.tumblr.com), which you should definitely check out if you haven't!! And especially thanks to [loosingletters](https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosingletters/pseuds/loosingletters) for giving me the translation I needed haha <3

> _To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life._
> 
> _-_ Victor Hugo; _Les Misérables_

***

Anakin strides through the Jedi Temple as quickly and as quietly as he can, wanting to avoid anyone who might be up and wandering around at this late hour. For as much as he wants to get back to his quarters, he also doesn't want the possibility of a confrontation with Obi-Wan, who'd want to know where he'd been and why his shields are so fortified in place, and he'd probably want to talk about Anakin's _feelings_. Anakin is concentrating so hard on shielding that he feels like he's only half paying attention to his surroundings and the physical world around him. 

He just doesn't want to worry Obi-Wan, and doesn't want to even think about his own feelings anyway. It has been hard enough to recover from losing his arm and figuring out his new prosthesis, but the recurring nightmares and threat of galactic war don't help either. The fact that he had been recently Knighted only adds to his stress and anxiety. He was excited at first because he'd looked forward to that day for so long, but there has been so much burden and responsibility suddenly placed on him that he now doesn't feel ready for any of it. 

He is too restless for meditation, and instead spends long hours in the training salles until his legs are practically too weak to hold him up. Anakin knows that Obi-Wan can see he's been feeling weighed down by something, but he just brushes him off whenever he's asked about it, even though it hurts to deny Obi-Wan anything. He just doesn't want to absolutely crumble down in front of Obi-Wan, which he knows he ultimately will when finally faced with voicing his problems aloud. 

Today has quite possibly given him the worst of his new burdens. Ever since the end of the battle on Geonosis and Anakin escorted Padmé back to Naboo, she had told him she wanted them to each focus on their duties and on recovering before entering into a romantic relationship. She had said she needed time to think about what she really wanted, but Anakin had still been so hopeful, almost confident that she'd let them be together considering the confession and kiss they'd shared before entering the execution arena. 

But earlier today she had invited him to her Coruscant apartment. Anakin had been so excited, ready for this to be a welcome distraction from everything else in his life. Padmé had greeted him and then suddenly grew serious and sad, and told him that she didn't wish to pursue a relationship with him, that her work as a senator would get in the way too much and that she wanted to just focus on that part of her life right now. Anakin had blinked, hidden his surprise quickly away, and said that he understood. She'd said she was sorry and that she still loves him and that she hoped they could still be friends, and Anakin had even given her a small smile in return. But he still left quickly after that. 

Anakin thinks this might just be his breaking point. He hadn't known what to do after that heartbreak, he felt just sort of shocked and numb, not knowing what to do with his feelings anymore. He wants to still be friends with Padmé because he genuinely likes her company and loves her, but he doesn't know if it would be too hard for him to be around her now. Every time he thinks of her, he has to desperately fight down tears, push away the lump in his throat and the swelling surge of emotion that threatens to escape from his chest. 

He had walked aimlessly around Coruscant for a while; he doesn't know how long now, but at least until it got dark out. He can't even recall where exactly he went, as he had just drifted around in a daze while thinking hard and thinking about nothing at the same time. But he knew he had to come back home eventually before Obi-Wan got too worried and scouted him out himself, so now Anakin is reluctantly dragging his feet back to their shared quarters. Ever since he'd been Knighted, Obi-Wan has failed to mention anything about Anakin moving out, and so Anakin doesn't either. He likes living with Obi-Wan, and since war is coming and he knows they'll likely often be apart from each for a while, he wants to soak up all the domesticity with Obi-Wan that he can. 

The only problem is that Obi-Wan just knows him so _well._

Thus why he hides his emotions, because he'd rather not tell his former Master how he is in love with a senator and almost had a secret relationship with her. 

Anakin reaches the door to their quarters and he pauses for a moment. Obi-Wan's presence is dim in the Force, so he must be sleeping. Anakin unlocks the door as quietly as possible and enters, but then he freezes. 

Ah. That's why Obi-Wan's Force presence in their bond is dim. He's meditating. 

Obi-Wan is sitting cross-legged with his eyes closed on the sofa, only a lamp illuminating the room with soft light. Without moving, Obi-Wan suddenly speaks. "Hello, Anakin. I was worried about you." Knowing there's no avoiding this now, Anakin steps further into the room and closes the door, sighing as he toes off his boots. 

"There was no need to be worried, I just went out for the day," Anakin says offhandedly as he takes off his utility belt and hangs it up beside the door, hoping Obi-Wan will let him go to his own bedroom as quickly as possible. But Obi-Wan instead frowns and finally opens his eyes to look at Anakin. 

"I sensed your distress in the Force today. And I can tell something is still bothering you." Kriff. He could never hide anything from his former Master. 

"It's nothing, Master, I swear. I'll figure it out." Obi-Wan gives him his usual long-suffering yet fond look.

"Anakin, you know it's better to talk about things than keep them inside, especially if you're not planning on letting your feelings go in the Force. Even if you're not my Padawan anymore, I'm still here to help you because I care for you." Obi-Wan looks so earnest, so kind, and it makes Anakin feel undeserving and shy. "Sit down, please?" Obi-Wan beckons him over to the sofa. 

He hesitates for a moment before he finally walks over to the sofa and sits stiffly down beside Obi-Wan. Anakin can't look at him, so instead he stares down at his fiddling hands. Knowing Anakin isn't going to be forthcoming, Obi-Wan talks first. 

"Is it your dreams?" Obi-Wan prods gently, and Anakin knows he's referring to the recurring nightmares Anakin has had of Geonosis the past few weeks. But little does Obi-Wan know that Anakin doesn't dream of his arm being severed, but instead he dreams of what could have happened if he had not intercepted Dooku before the Count delivered the killing blow to Obi-Wan's head. Anakin shakes his head, knowing those are thankfully only a small part of his problems now. 

"No, those are getting better," Anakin says, and he sees Obi-Wan give a relieved nod out of the corner of his eye. 

"I'm glad to hear that. Is it because of being Knighted? I know you were excited for it, but it can be quite a lot to handle at first." Anakin nods in agreement, deciding to go with this burden as the bulk of what's affecting him. 

"Yeah . . . it's pretty overwhelming, and it drains me thinking of all the responsibilities I have now, even though I really wanted this." Obi-Wan suddenly rests a gentle hand on his shoulder, and Anakin startles at first before he settles into the touch. 

"I know exactly how you feel, but with time it gets easier. But that's not all that is bothering you, is it? I know there's something more." Anakin's jaw clenches. He should have known there was no escaping Obi-Wan's perception. "If you're willing to tell me, I won't judge and I'll try to help you as best I can," Obi-Wan says gently, rubbing circles into his shoulder.

And that's enough to finally break Anakin. The tears that he had been fighting all day suddenly well up in his eyes, brought on by Obi-Wan's gentle voice and kindness.

"I—um . . ." Anakin tries, but he chokes on his words and the tears start falling unbidden, with no stopping them. 

"Oh, _Anakin_ , come here," Obi-Wan says, holding his arms open invitingly. Anakin stares at him with blurry vision before immediately falling into Obi-Wan's arms, burying his head in the comfort of Obi-Wan's strong chest like he used to do when he was younger. Hot tears keep running down his cheeks as he inhales the familiar, soothing scent of his former Master, feeling utterly consumed by his fragile emotions now. Obi-Wan's hands wrap around him to hold him carefully against him, their bond lit up with comfort and understanding, and that's what's needed for Anakin to start talking. 

"It's—Padmé—Senator Amidala, I mean—" Anakin's voice cracks. "Master, I _love_ her—" he sobs, and now that he's talking, all his words coming out in a rush as he's finally able to let go of everything that's been stewing in him. "She invited me over to her apartment today and told me that we couldn't be together, but that she still loves me too . . . I'm sorry, Master, I know I shouldn't love her but—" Anakin can't see Obi-Wan's face, but he still continues to keep Anakin tucked against his body, keeping his own reaction hidden from Anakin to keep him calm and focus solely on him right now. 

"Anakin, no, you _are_ allowed to love. Loving is good and necessary and beautiful, and how could we be Jedi without it?" Obi-Wan starts running a hand through Anakin's hair, and Anakin can't help but melt into the touch. "And I'm sorry this happened, but now you can hold onto the fact that she still loves you. The difference is that now you can appreciate your relationship together in a different way, even if it's not how you envisioned." Anakin thinks about how he'd still like to kiss Padmé again, to feel her skin against his, to be able to say that she is his and he is hers. But he won't get that now, so there's no point in dwelling on it. 

Anakin nods against Obi-Wan's chest, feeling a little lighter now, like he'll be able to get through this. He pulls back, slightly embarrassed by the tear stains on Obi-Wan's tunic, and rubs at his eyes to dry them. Obi-Wan smiles kindly at him, his eyes looking at him with such warmth. 

"I'm _so_ proud of you, Anakin. You've gotten through so many hardships and accomplished so much, even just in the last few months alone." Obi-Wan looks away for a moment. "You deserve so much love," Obi-Wan murmurs that part, almost sounding sad for a moment before he looks back at Anakin with a bracing smile. 

"Thank you, Master, this makes me already feel a little better," Anakin says with a watery smile. Obi-Wan smiles wider in response.

"Just tell me if you ever need anything else from me. I'll always be here for you."

***

Anakin still feels a bit emotionally fragile for the next few days, but with time it gets easier to bear, and with distractions he can forget all about his heartbreak for a moment. It's still hard for some weeks after that sometimes, especially when he's lonely in bed trying to sleep or when he has free time to dwell on fantasies and what could have been. The occasional times he crosses paths with Padmé are slightly awkward, but Anakin thinks that it could be worse and is proud of himself for holding himself together. 

Obi-Wan seems to know when Anakin is sad and too far stuck into his thoughts, as without mentioning Padmé at all, Obi-Wan helps distract him with a sparring match or with looking over recent campaign reports, something to keep his mind and hands busy. Anakin also learns to reframe his thoughts so that he can easily switch from feeling down about Padmé's rejection, to feeling happy that she is in his life at all. 

But eventually that constant ache in his chest fades more and more, the hurting clutch around his heart receding until he barely thinks about things that never could have been with Padmé anymore. Obi-Wan has helped a lot, and suddenly Anakin is looking at him in a different way, like he'd never truly seen him before. 

Along the way, he realizes the similar traits that he admires between both Padmé and Obi-Wan, how before he had picked up on traits of Padmé's that he had already liked in Obi-Wan. There is their skillful debating and the way they use words so cleverly, their capable and elegant hands, their warm and expressive eyes, their always-perfect hair and scattering of freckles. The way they actually understand and know him, want to care for him despite Anakin's faults, the way he feels his heart flutter when he's around them.

And _oh_. 

He realizes he's in love with Obi-Wan. 

And it's much more different than his infatuation with Padmé too, like it seems more real and less surface level. It seems like Anakin is always thinking about Obi-Wan even more than usual; he always wants to be around him and know exactly how he's doing, or is constantly giving him his favorite tea without being asked and talking about anything with him just to hear his voice. Obi-Wan doesn't react much to this new change except to look a bit surprised and flush slightly whenever Anakin unexpectedly does him a favor or asks about something he didn't think Anakin would care about.

Anakin is bursting at the seams to tell someone that he's in love with Obi-Wan, and the only person he feels comfortable sharing it with is Padmé. He almost gets too nervous when he tries to tell her at her apartment today, but once he does, it is such a relief. Padmé is so excited and happy for him, and he can't help but grin ridiculously as he buries his face in his hands just thinking about Obi-Wan. He hadn't even thought about the possibility about actually telling Obi-Wan he loves him, because he knows it could go terribly, but once Padmé mentions it, it's all he can think about. He now wants to tell Obi-Wan the truth, regardless of the outcome. 

After agonizing over the possibilities of how he could tell Obi-Wan of his feelings, Padmé helps Anakin finally decide on something. He wants this to be special and meaningful, and he hopes that he will at least impress Obi-Wan with his effort, if nothing else. Once he's ready to tell Obi-Wan though, he almost loses his nerve. But he manages to go through with it, even though he's sweating slightly and incredibly anxious. 

He waits for Obi-Wan to come back from a Council meeting, sitting on the sofa and holding his gift for Obi-Wan in his lap. He panics for a moment when Obi-Wan doesn't come through the door by the time Anakin expects, so he's left on edge with his knee jiggling up and down until he finally senses Obi-Wan coming towards their quarters. Anakin freezes once Obi-Wan comes through the door, and he looks at Obi-Wan expectantly and waits for him to notice him. Obi-Wan finally looks up after taking his shoes off and hanging up his cloak, taking in the sight of Anakin sitting rigid on the sofa and clutching something in his trembling hands. 

"Hello, Anakin," Obi-Wan says a bit warily, as if he expects Anakin is about to tell him he got in trouble yet again. Anakin immediately stands up and walks over to Obi-Wan, willing himself to just do this and hope for the best.

"Hi. I have something to give you," Anakin says in explanation as he holds the object in his hand out to Obi-Wan. "Um, I hope you like it." Obi-Wan's eyebrows are drawn together in slight confusion as he carefully picks up the gift, and Anakin shifts on his feet, twisting his hands together nervously as he waits for Obi-Wan's reaction.

Anakin had decided to finally give Obi-Wan his Padawan braid, which he had not done yet because he had been slightly embarrassed to do so. It was not uncommon for new Knights to give their former Masters their Padawan braid as a show of gratitude and respect, but to Anakin it had felt like it would mean much more than that to him, and he had been nervous if Obi-Wan would even want the braid or not. But he thought it fitting now. 

He had also decided to make a charm out of his old braid, attaching a japor snippet to the end. It is not particularly practical, and he thinks Obi-Wan might think it trivial, but what he is most nervous about is what is inscribed into the wood. 

Obi-Wan looks at the charm in shock, running a finger gently down the braid, and Anakin can feel Obi-Wan's overwhelming emotion and appreciation in the Force. "Anakin, this is lovely, thank you," he murmurs, and then he notices the engraved letters on the wood and looks closer in surprise. "Is this Dai Bendu? That's amazing, I didn't know you—"

Obi-Wan suddenly grows quiet as he realizes what the words translate to, his eyes widening as he just stares at the charm. 

"Vii'ah foh keelak . . ." Obi-Wan says softly.

_I love you._

And it means romantic love.

Anakin feels his heart pounding as Obi-Wan utters those words, and then Obi-Wan looks up and Anakin swears he can see tears in his eyes. 

"Anakin, I—"

"I love you, Obi-Wan." Anakin says abruptly, putting everything out there, opening his side of the Force bond wide. "I'm sorry if you did not wish to know, but I'm not sorry that I love you, because you are the most wonderful, incredible, beautiful man I've— _mmph_!" Anakin is suddenly interrupted when Obi-Wan quickly closes the distance between them and gently kisses him, one hand holding tightly onto the charm and the other cradling the back of Anakin's neck. Anakin can barely reciprocate in his shock, and he's sure he looks almost comical with his wide, dazed eyes and parted mouth once Obi-Wan pulls back. 

"I love you, too," Obi-Wan whispers in the scant space between their lips. "I adore you, Anakin, and you mean _everything_ to me. I never thought you'd want me too, but now that I know— _oh_ , dear one, I want to always be by your side." Indescribable happiness fills Anakin at Obi-Wan's words, a smile growing on his face so wide that his cheeks hurt. 

"And I'll always be there," he replies, twining his arms around Obi-Wan's neck. Obi-Wan grins back at him, and it makes Anakin's heart ache, but this time in a very good way, of knowing that Obi-Wan loves him back like this. Anakin leans in to plant a little kiss on Obi-Wan's lips just because he can now. "I don't think I'm very good at loving people though," he admits, hands subconsciously playing with the ends of Obi-Wan's hair. "I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to relationships." Obi-Wan smiles softly at him. 

"We can figure it out together, if that is what you want. We can take it slow, we have _time_ , Anakin."

"Yes, yes, it very much is what I want, Obi-Wan—" Anakin gets cut off again as Obi-Wan tugs him even closer and kisses him again, this time deeper, more passionately. Anakin makes a muffled sound into the kiss, and Obi-Wan gently coaxes his mouth to open more so that he can slip his tongue inside Anakin's mouth. The feeling takes his breath away for a moment, feeling connected to Obi-Wan in yet another way and utterly consumed by him with how Obi-Wan practically claims his mouth. 

They fumble together a bit when Obi-Wan tries to carefully set down his gift on the couch without looking, but then once his hands are free he can place them on Anakin's lower back. Anakin feels hyper-aware of everywhere their bodies are touching, how the hands on him are gentle yet grounding, how their hips brush just slightly together as they shift in place, how Obi-Wan's mouth feels hot and wet against his own. They pause occasionally only to take a quick breath before their mouths are on each other again, like they're starving for each other, craving each other's touch now that they can have it. 

Anakin doesn't know how long they kiss for, but once they finally part for good, his skin is tingling slightly from Obi-Wan's facial hair rubbing against it, Obi-Wan's lips are reddened and slick, and they're both panting heavily. Anakin feels a bit dumbfounded after the kiss they shared, mind stuck on the phantom feeling of Obi-Wan's mouth on his own and feeling overwhelmingly in love. 

"We have to do that again. A _lot_ ," Anakin says rather dazedly, and then he blushes, feeling embarrassed. But Obi-Wan just laughs lightly, his eyes shining with so much love as he looks at Anakin. He grasps Anakin's mechno-hand and brings it up to his mouth, kissing the back of it gently.

"I look forward to it, darling."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! :)


End file.
